5 Things Brown Dads Must Change, Pronto!

HEY, BIG BROWN DAD!

You think you’re doing big things over there – -with your bloggy blog on fatherhood, starring you, Super Dad?

Big Brown Dads In Da Hood

Must be nice to have the time for hobbies like that.  I used to have hobbies  but then I became a mom!

Now, I’m so busy, I’m writing this on my lunch break via text on my cell as I pump my baby’s milk in the office closet! I don’t think you fully grasp the skill this takes – it takes that of a contortionist to hold bottles and pump parts with knees and elbows so as to free up the hands to hold the cell and fingers to text.

Don’t get me wrong, I would never go through all this trouble just to hate on you, Big Poppa. In fact, I’ll give props where they’re due: big ups to all the fathers out there holding it down, sticking around and being down for the cause.

I’m just saying, while you may see yourself like Father of the Year because from time to time you do a little bit of this:

Chris-Rock-What-To-Expect-When-Youre-Expecting

Your partner may see things more like this:

genderline

The truth is, whenever we gather at the water cooler, or get together over a drinks, us MOMS end up complaining about you DADS.  These are 5 things Big Brown Dads must change today.

1. YOU CAN’T HEAR THE BABY CRY!

The week we brought home my 1st born, my family came over one day and insisted I take a nap.  So, right after I nursed him, I did! My stepma bathed, wrapped him, and then put him in his crib sound asleep. When they left, my boyfriend fell asleep on the couch. Somehow, even tho I was in my bedroom sleeping, with the door shut, I was the ONLY ONE  who heard my baby crying in his room. I yelled at my boyfriend something like, “WTF – how do you not hear him???” Little did I know, this would still be the case, two years and  another baby later; even when I strategically place the baby monitor next to his side of the bed with the volume on full blast!

ecard

2.  YOU ACT LIKE MOMS HAVE SUPERPOWERS

When Baby #1 came, it took several weeks before Papa was comfortable changing his diapers and dressing the lil fragile child.  It was months before he could actually bathe him solo, so this Mama did EVERYTHING. On the RARE occasion that I left him alone with the baby, I HAD to feed, bathe, change, & put the baby to sleep first before leaving.

The few times I’ve gone out after work,  I’ve had to rush home because Papa’s texting me that my lil baby is somehow being BAD & my toddler is screaming for Mama. When I come home, the house is TORE UP, Papa’s in a bad mood, Baby #2 looks like he cried himself to sleep & Baby #1 is still awake, hours past his bedtime, tired & crabby!

supermom

HOWEVER, when I am alone with BOTH of them, when Papa’s working late, or went out all day on the weekend with his friends –  I not only manage to feed them, take them out to the park, bathe them, and put them to sleep, but I also clean up any mess we make!

Which leads me to …

3. YOU’RE ALLERGIC TO CLEANING 

Pre-baby, I did all the cooking, cleaning, and  laundry.  It was never a problem. Post-babies, it’s a problem.  I’m the ONLY one that regularly cleans the bathroom, the kitchen, the bedrooms, the living room, et. al.

I used to throw down in the kitchen but now I hardly have time to cook and all I ever hear is how there’s nothing to eat. Sometimes I sound like my mother when I say, “There is, you just need to make it.”  If he actually attempts to cook, he makes a mess that I end up having to clean or we get in a stupid fight because I tell him not to use a metal utensil on the pan!

(FYI, in case you don’t know better either – it scrapes the pan and then all the food you cook in the future will stick to the pan & suck).

While I think I’m being helpful (and saving my pans) by letting his cooking novice ass in on some insider knowledge, he interprets it as me being a bossy bitch!

I’m not a bitch! It’s just that…

4. YOU’RE ALLERGIC TO COMMON SENSE, AVERSE TO COMMON KNOWLEDGE

Many a fights have been had because I CANNOT STAND TO HEAR MY BABIES CRY.  This means when Papa’s got the baby, I have to insist he does what I KNOW will make the baby stop crying.  This PISSES Papa off because he thinks he’s doing me a favor by putting the baby to sleep and I’m over here bossing him around to do it “my way.”   I swear it is not about me – I am not a control freak.  But if baby is screaming his head off and you’re trying to put him to sleep by patting his back furiously instead of in a soothing rhythmic pattern like a heart-beat, the baby is not going to go to sleep!

Please don’t get mad, just appreciate the constructive criticism and try it out. If it doesn’t work, you get to rub it in Moms face and proceed to go about things your way.

5. YOU HAVE A SHORT TERM MEMORY

Assuming you’ve addressed issues #1-#4 and are worthy of some loving, don’t expect this:

VS

 

Expect this:

sleeping 1

And a little:

sleeping 2

YOU MUST REMEMBER SEX CAN RESULT IN ANOTHER PREGNANCY!

All jokes aside, I LOVE MY MAN – he IS a GREAT father because he is for my sons many things that I cannot be.  Are my kids really going to remember if the house was a little messy?  Will they even care? Probably not.  What they might remember is that Papa was FUN & always down to play with them, while Mama was too busy cleaning the kitchen; so maybe moms CAN learn a thing or two from the big brown dads…like how to catch some quick zzzzzz’s while on the job.

zzz

Lucia Mascorro is the daughter of Chicano activists from the Southside of Chicago. She graduated from Occidental College and then Depaul with a Masters degree in International Studies .  When she’s not schooling big brown dads on getting their act right, she’s schooling students at Chicago City Colleges as a Latino Literature Instructor and Academic Advisor.

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