by Big Brown Dad | Jul 29, 2014 | Play Date
I had the good fortune of attending Occidental College during the height of its commitment to a diverse campus.
Exhibit A: 1998 Graduation Party
I met PK (far right) my first day at Oxy and learned we shared an appreciation for the bible, sports and laughter. He’s since burned his bible and given up on winning (he’s a Clipper’s fan) but he hasn’t stopped making people laugh. He’s Founder of Kollaboration and a host of Asian Nights at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood. And now he’s dropping a guest blog (w/video) for Big Brown Dad. Enjoy!
Hey Everyone,
One of BBD’s Occidental College roommate’s here, Small Yellow Dad. My name is PK and I’m a proud father of two, soon to be three. I’m terrified of having a third because financially we are just getting by and I need to make more money. I already know its making me a better person overall because I’m being more frugal with my spending and eliminating things I don’t need.
In addition, I’ve been cutting down on the “adult entertainment” that I watch as a married dad. I know you’re not supposed to watch any of it, but let’s be real…
the access is too easy. I REALLY Worry about the next generation and their access to porn. It is just way too easy. I remember when I was growing up, I went to the local bookstore and had to imprint the image of a sports illustrated issue in my mind to get excited. Now its just ridiculous and I’m just as guilty as anyone. God help us all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kP0MBy0eQAQ
Be sure to follow PK @
www.youtube.com/channelpktown
www.instagram.com/channelpktown
www.twitter.com/channelpktown
by Big Brown Dad | Jul 28, 2014 | Vacation
Our family adventure in Zion wasn’t limited to hiking the harrowing Narrows in 90 degree temperatures.
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Zion National Park, UT
Big Brown Family
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It also included trying a few products for the first time. Ever the consumer rights activist, I’ve decided to hip you to game and save you a few dollars in the process.
I’m empty on the inside but don’t judge me.
1) Smucker’s Goober Strawberry (and Peanut Butter!): My first problem with this product is the name. Goober has never, ever been a term of endearment. Gooba’, maybe. But never Goober. Plus peanut butter doesn’t even get mentioned in the title and it’s doing half the damned work!
But the most serious issue is that Goober solves one problem by creating two. Yes, by packaging PB&J together we’ve become more efficient but we’ve also diminished the quality of the product by confounding traditional food storage protocol. You see, we put our jelly in the fridge and peanut butter in the pantry. So where, pray tell, should I put this freak of nature? Cold peanut butter, no, thanks. Warm jelly? Jump off Angel’s Landing with that shit.
But as you can see, we straight smashed it.
* We buy Tropical Jelly. But if Smucker’s is listening, we’d entertain your jelly simpliciter. Send BBD a few jars of your finest stuff.
chile? chale.
2) Nabisco’s Wheat Thins Chile Chili Cheese: It took only one bite for me to tip my hat and flip my finger at the marketing mavens over at Nabisco. By the looks of the box, this was Wheat Thins attempt to capture the Flaming Hot, Dorito Extreme, Taki devouring demo. I mean, a damned spicy chile chili is on the box. And that looks like Monterrey Jack in the background. So, someone explain to me why this tastes like a can of Hormel Chili, the type they might serve at an emergency FEMA shelter after a natural disaster?
if you install photoshop into your cornea the Bumbleberry Motel will look like this for you, too.
3) Bumbleberry Hotel Motel: I encourage you to use Trip Advisor and Yelp when booking a place near Zion. We didn’t. The Bumbleberry’s aesthetic is best described as Lincoln log cabin meets bowling-alley chic. Their saving grace is a decent pool and their proximity to the park entrance.
Odds are high that we’ll be back to Zion next year. And our plan is to return with separate jar of peanut butter and jelly, some Triscuits and maybe some Glad New and Improved Odor Shield Febreze Fresh Clean Tall Kitchen Drawstring Bags 110 Count for the room.
by Big Brown Dad | Jul 23, 2014 | Vacation
This is our 2nd family trip into Zion National Park. We had a blast last year and couldn’t wait to go again.
She ain’t heavy, she’s my daughter. (2013)
The kids and I tag along for three days as big. brown. mom leads a group of Upward Bound students on a series of hikes. The students have spent 5 weeks living at Harvey Mudd College, taking college-prep courses in Literature, Chemistry and Math, and participating in non-traditional learning experiences, like this bomb-ass trip. Many of the rising sophomores from the San Gabriel Valley are camping for the first time. (Bassett, make some noise!) This trip will convert many of them into lifelong lovers, nay, WORSHIPERS of nature–and that’s just they type of pagan, quasi-religious experience Zion can summon.
onward. outward. upward.
Zion is about 350 miles from greater LA County, basically a straight shot up I-15 N, a familiar route for you degenerate gamblers. The sojourn zips thru Vegas, skirts into NW Arizona and then delivers you unto Utah’s promised land. It’s a well travelled route with rest stops, restaurants and restlessness aplenty.
Live Life Elevated
The internets is rife with road trip tips. To my chagrin, I couldn’t find a site that endorsed mixing Nyquil w/ Kool-Aid. And most of the suggested games don’t work for both a 2 year-old AND a 4 year-old. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that Joaquin can’t play ‘Eye-Spy,’ it’s that Maya is playing games designed for tweens like, ‘Daddy, why did God make people with bad teeth?’
Alas, music Pandora saved the day. We sang along to dozens of Disney tunes. Then we had a dance party. Yes, it’s possible to execute the Running Man from the driver’s seat. And then we played some word games with Maya while Joaquin zoned out and texted his homies.
Once we arrived, Angie and Maya met her students for an evening hike up Watchman Trail. Last year, Angie had to carry Maya for a portion of the hike. But this year, Maya was determined to tackle the two-mile hike without assistance.
She did it!
Once the group reached the end of the trail, the students had an opportunity to reflect collectively about their summer experiences. They talked about wanting to quit but deciding to persevere. They talked about learning skills and gaining confidence, making friends and gaining independence. 50 high schoolers spillin’ some guts. They laughed and they cried. And after each of student had a chance to share, it was Maya’s turn.
It took her a second to gather her thoughts.
“I’m happy that my Mom and Dad are alive.”
And that’s when I had my first spiritual lesson of the trip: if you smile while crying you can drink your own tears and be reborn.
by Big Brown Dad | Jul 20, 2014 | Food Reviews
It’s 5:30 a.m, the wife and kids are asleep and in between tossing and turning all I can think about is the first cup of coffee filling my gullet.
eye need coffee, now.
But I can’t get up and make my own. I’ll make too much noise. The click, click, click of the stove and the electro-whir of the grinder is reportedly, ‘…too damned loud right now.’ Reportedly.
So, where should I go for my fix of Joe? I had two choices: Jack in the Box or McCafe? Since I’m a baller, I decided on both.
Jack In The Box
As it happens, In N Out isn’t the only spot with an off-menu, menu. At JITB, you can order the unlisted, discounted Senior’s Coffee for $.75 instead of the MSRP of $1.19. And they (usually) don’t ask for ID! And if they did, you can say (as some reportedly have) ‘…it’s for my Grandpa!’
My Grandpa put the G in Grandpa…b/c he thought Randpa sounded wack.
Now, I drink my coffee black, Jack. Adding sugar and cream is like drinking a pink, mixed-drink….at a club named Metro…while wearing skinny jeans, nahmean? But a friend of a friend likes sugar and cream and to my, er, his, er, her chagrin, JITB refuses to add them directly into the coffee. They’ll only hand you the packets. Now that’s some ol’ un-American bullshit if I’ve ever heard it.
Sip. Sip. Swish. Spit.
Judge Judy ain’t bout that life.
The Verdict:
I regret to inform you that this cup of coffee tastes like it was made at a Motel-8, biked over in the rain and then microwaved. And I didn’t know microwaves had a lukewarm setting. Keep your $ .75. You might need it for later.
McCafe
First things, first. The McDonald’s drive-thru menu is a beauty to behold. The colors, the images, the layout, the packaging…it’s mesmerizing…as if they’d spent millions and millions of dollars researching which layout compels us to spend more money [insert sarcmark here].
While the McCafe doesn’t offer a senior discount their Dollar Menu has fed more old folk than the local Elk’s Lodge. Never mind Ronald McDonald House, the Dollar Menu was Ron’s greatest gift to the world.
Strike that. Putting cream and sugar directly into your coffee is Ron’s greatest gift to the world.
I grab the coffee, place it between my legs and drive-off while pumping my brakes intermittently. Now this feels go000od.
I pull my first sip. And then a second. A third. And then it hits me.
This is why they invented Starbucks!
by Big Brown Dad | Jul 19, 2014 | Food Reviews
Chris. Tommy. Jim. Victor. Manny.
Chris’ sign is here rather than P&G because I have a disease called representationitis.
If you grew up in the San Gabriel Valley then your neighborhood had a local burger joint named after a fat uncle from Crete.
My gyro!
My approach to these greasy spoons (wait, that IS grease…right?) has always been to eat at the one nearest you. For us, that’s Covina’s P&G Super Burger on Citrus.
Now let me just come out and say it because I can’t restrain myself for much longer: these mofux straight charged me $.50 for a second 1 oz container of salsa. My face turned redder than their watered down Tapatio. I wouldn’t have been so upset if their salsa wasn’t so…damned…good!
With that said, the primary problem here is at the register. The women who know most about the menu knows least about the English--and that’s not a xenophobic, nativistic diss either. It’s just the sober analysis of a former long-term substitute instructor for BUSD Adult Ed ESL 1-2 who had an impossible time adding bacon to a cheeseburger, nahmean. I’d recreate a conversation below but I never know what in the hell any of them are saying–and that’s not a xenophobic, nativistic diss either. It’s just the sober analysis of a former long-term substitute instructor for BUSD Adult Ed ESL 1-2 who had a hard time adding bacon to a cheeseburger, nahmean.
Peep game, I will not post pictures of their food. You’ve seen a $3.00 hamburger before, right? Same thang, right here. Chili-fries, onion rings, pastrami…everything an artery needs to call it quits can be had here…or at Chris’, Victor’s, Jim’s…ad nauseum.
So, if you’re in the neighborhood and craving a burger….drive another two miles to IN N OUT on Grand.
Big Brown Dad
by Big Brown Dad | Jul 18, 2014 | Education
The event detailed below is not for the faint of heart. While it took place a couple of years ago, I still have nightmares–mostly over the opportunity of lost money!
I’m hard on the outside and fake on the inside.
Today, I was standing in front of a taco truck on Wilshire Blvd waiting for my order to be served. That’s when I heard two bicycles colliding immediately behind the truck.
I peeked around the bumper and noticed a 6 ft, skinny, 30 year-old black guy standing on a bike while hanging onto the hooded sweatshirt of a smaller, similarly slender, 21 year-old white guy. A second bike was strewn at the feet of the white guy.
The black cat hollared, “Stop’em! He’s stealing my bike!”
Say, what?!
I’d seen this kind of thing on TV and for a second I wondered if it was a hoax. My producer-sense told me it was just the kind of inverted racial stereotype that would make for good TV–on some, What Would You Do type tip.
But before I could survey the street for hidden cameras, the thief broke free from the victim. He pulled himself away so violently, the hood ripped right off his sweatshirt. The black dude held it in his hand.
Free and with a wild look in his eyes the thief ran right in my direction.
With no time to deliberate, I slipped into JV linebacker mode: I shifted laterally, squared up, lowered my shoulder, hit and then wrapped the thief into submission.
I put the patented Chicano fat-guy bear hug on him while some wimps, err… bystanders called 9-1-1.
I held him oh so tight. The thief struggled oh so little. He then admitted he was caught and said he wouldn’t run so (against my better judgement) I let him go.
And he didn’t run. And a crowd started to gather.
That’s when shit got very funny.
The victim looked at the thief and said, “Man, I should beat your ass right now. How much money do you have in your pocket?”
“Man, I’m broke,“ the thief pouted. He took out his wallet to prove it was empty.
Ah shit, I can’t even front, I started to feel bad for thief.
“So, you’re broke? That’s why you’re doing this?” the victim asked.
Ah shit, he can’t front, the victim is starting to feel bad for the dude too.
“But I can go to the bank. “
He pulled out his Chase card and pointed across the street.
“How much can you get out?”
The victim looked to me as if to imply we’ll share the dough. I WAS a hero after all.
“$30.”
$30? I’m thinking dude should take it. His bike looked shitty.
I grinned. It started to look like lunch might be free.
“Nah, man. I’m going to need a $100. That’s about what you would’ve gotten for my bike if you sold it. I’m going to let the cops talk to you.”
DAAAAMMMMMIT!
“Senor, your tacos are ready.”
I grabbed my tacos, paid my bill and exited to the sound of police sirens in the distance.
by Big Brown Dad | Jul 17, 2014 | Play Date
The name Hollenbeck is enough to throw any Los Angeleno’s intestines into a tizzy.
intestinitus fortitudinis
It’s a legendary mammoth burrito from Boyle Heights whose namesake was one of Southern California’s earliest real estate magnates–straight tycoon status.
Hi, I used to own your entire hood.
Covina’s Hollenbeck Park is named after the same cat. And sho’ nuff, like the burrito, the park can be a tummy turner.
The playground is rated for kids 5-12 which means my 2 year old needs constant supervision. I don’t understand the reasoning behind having any city park unavailable to such a large swathe of park-goers, kids ages 2-4.
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This? Yeah, I got this.
The remainder of the park is a mixed-bag: it has a great basketball court that nobody uses; there are sizable green-spaces usually taken up by an organized sport; there’s great shade but zero BBQ grills; there are 6 swings but zero with baby guards.
So, if you plan to make a playdate of Hollenbeck Park bring some water and some Tums and if you have a chance, stop by Manny’s and grab me one of these:
soiling sheets since 1849.
If my son can scale the Pyramid of Pain, I can do this!
Truly,
BigBrownDad
by Big Brown Dad | Jul 15, 2014 | To Whom It May Concern:
To Whom It May Concern:
I’m writing to express my dissatisfaction with my recent purchase of Glad’s New and Improved Odor Shield Febreze Fresh Clean Tall Kitchen Drawstring Bags 110 Count.
In my admittedly limited experience with Febreze, I’ve known it to be effective in neutralizing the odors of less than hygienic college students.
I smell the way I look the way I smell.
You can imagine my surprise then at the less than neutral odor emanating from these bags. They smell like wet, baby powder and cayenne pepper.
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GTFOHWTS!
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I’d rather smell my fingers than smell that bag.
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My wife made me take this picture.
I hoped against hope that our household would become desensitized to the smell but alas, no luck. I still have over 100 bags left and I’m afraid they are of no use to us. I’m planning on throwing these trash bags in a trash bag without even the slightest sense of irony. But I paid nearly $20 for these bags!
I’m hopeful that you might redeem my experience by replacing this box with one of Glad’s more proven products. I’d be happy to share my impressions with the readers of my parenthood blog.
Thanks in advance,
bigbrowndad.com
by Big Brown Dad | Jul 14, 2014 | Play Date
Listen, I can’t tell you where exactly this park is located. Nor can I tell you the name.
It’s a secret.
All I can tell you is that we stumbled across this pleasant patch of paradise while looking for a shortcut to downtown Starbucks.
I know, I’ve said too much already.
Like most parents, I’m looking for a park with decent shade and age-appropriate activities. The trees line the westerly perimeter and provide great shade in the afternoon. And the park is one of the few in the city rated for kids as young as 2.
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go, go, go, go, go, go, STOP!
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baby swings, FTW!
This means you won’t have to spend every second hovering over your yungin’ as he attempts to scale the formidable obstacles like the Wall of Death at Hollenbeck Park or The Ladder of Lost Tears at Joslyn Park.
This park isn’t without its problems though. First, there’s a train track near the park (clue #3!). This means a train is barreling thru and tooting its horn hella loud, hella often. I’ve seen it scare kids with less than steely resolve.
Another problem is this shameful construction oversight, likely the result of a lazy supervisor.
they all…fall…down.
The design allows for an optional floor board to be placed between the two platforms. The slots for the nuts and bolts are right there. Instead, there’s a 18″ dip that kids fall into time and time again.
And then there’s this:
false advertisement much?
We searched high and low, on top of trees and under the litter that the grandmother who was babysitting 8 kids left (WE SAW YOU, LADY!). Yet and still…no see-saw.
Use the clues provided here to cruise the city and find your way to this park. It’s a quiet alternative to the hustle and bustle of the Covina’s more visible parks. And if you see a grandmother with 8 children, ranging from from 1-12 years old, reading a trashy supermarket romance novel in between flipping thru her phone and doling out Cheeze-Its, make sure she picks up her shit!
